Culture Shock #4 - I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

When I get asked if I have any problems with living in Japan, I usually reply that there aren't many.

But, the truth is that the one big problem living in Japan has caused for me is simply usually too difficult and deep to explain. 

(By the way, I've even been planning this post in my head for a long time now, 
but I still am having difficulties writing it in the way I want. But, I'll try my best.)

Basically, my problem is this: I find it very hard being a girl here in Japan. And, I absolutely hate the fact that this is happening, but no matter how hard I try to not be, I feel like I'm more self-conscious than I ever have been in my life. 

Japan is a very different country from America. Yes, in America we have ideals: everyone wants to be thin. But, we aren't all able to do that (or, at least more people are not). And, the "normal" size is something I'm at least kind of close to, I feel like.

Not so, in Japan. The majority of Japanese (Asian, in general) girls, first of all, have the body type that can be thin (as in, no matter how much I dieted/worked out/whatever, I could never get that thin). Second, the "ideal beauty" is so much thinner, and I feel like the pressure is much greater as well.

I feel this difference every single day.

• When I try on clothes, and not even the "Large" fits me, it is frustrating. 
• When I see the uber-pretty girls with their long thin legs, tiny waists, and just general thinness... Yeah, I'm jealous.
• When my friends do things like complementing each other on how thin they are, and these already-very skinny girls talk about being on diets (as almost everyone is, here) or needing to diet... it's frustrating. And, though I don't want to be, I'm envious. 
• I even hear what guys have to say about girls and what types they like (and yes, I've heard them talk about skinniness being a factor). And, I feel kind of worthless after that. 

And, all those bolded words up there? They disgust me. But they're true, and I hate it so very much. 

I know that I shouldn't be thinking this way. But, no matter how many times I tell myself it is wrong, I do anyways. 

It's so very easy to look at all the girls around me, and feel horrible about myself. And in Japan, you can't get away from it. In American, I am also one of those people who always thinks I need to be thinner, but it's never been this extreme before. Even while I knew all about this before coming here, and tried to prepare myself, I find myself unable to resist this feeling of being completely and utterly...

Unpretty.

Which, is the weirdest thing, because I've never been told more in my life how "pretty" I am.

• My friends say it - in a very frank way, and actually quite often, which just doesn't happen so much in America
• My host family literally comments on how I'm so pretty to people that they introduce me to, and the times that they don't, the other person will bring it up on their own
• Complete strangers will say things to me: how I have a "pretty face," or something similar
• And most confusing of all: I get informed that other people say that about me (meaning, when I'm not there, they talk about me like that) 

I KNOW don't fit the "ideal" that the Japanese like. And, so I don't understand - is it just that everyone says nice things but don't really think them? Like, are they lying to make me feel good or something? That, I feel like I can believe, just because people here are so nice. But, what about the people that don't say that directly to me - clearly, they aren't just trying to make me feel better. So they must think it's true?

I am so confused.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I have found a song that addresses this issue. It is a mashup of two songs, so goes back and forth, back and forth - tryyyyying to feel pretty, but going back to not being able to. And, it is something that I feel I understand too well (aside from the one opposite line about being "too skinny," hah ><), right now.

I actually discovered this song during the first month of arriving here. And, it really resonated with me. I am a person who will listen to things on repeat when they like them, and totally make use of youtuberepeat.com with some of my favorite songs.

But, I have never listened to the same song so many times in my life.
This song will literally stay playing for hours at a time.
But, I can't say I agree with the lyrics, as the last word, "unpretty," is still the only one I can understand.

I feel like, this is the huge thing about Japan that I can say I don't like.
Because, I hate the fact that the way I look at myself has changed for the worse.
And, I don't know how to fix it.