Culture Shock #4 - I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

When I get asked if I have any problems with living in Japan, I usually reply that there aren't many.

But, the truth is that the one big problem living in Japan has caused for me is simply usually too difficult and deep to explain. 

(By the way, I've even been planning this post in my head for a long time now, 
but I still am having difficulties writing it in the way I want. But, I'll try my best.)

Basically, my problem is this: I find it very hard being a girl here in Japan. And, I absolutely hate the fact that this is happening, but no matter how hard I try to not be, I feel like I'm more self-conscious than I ever have been in my life. 

Japan is a very different country from America. Yes, in America we have ideals: everyone wants to be thin. But, we aren't all able to do that (or, at least more people are not). And, the "normal" size is something I'm at least kind of close to, I feel like.

Not so, in Japan. The majority of Japanese (Asian, in general) girls, first of all, have the body type that can be thin (as in, no matter how much I dieted/worked out/whatever, I could never get that thin). Second, the "ideal beauty" is so much thinner, and I feel like the pressure is much greater as well.

I feel this difference every single day.

• When I try on clothes, and not even the "Large" fits me, it is frustrating. 
• When I see the uber-pretty girls with their long thin legs, tiny waists, and just general thinness... Yeah, I'm jealous.
• When my friends do things like complementing each other on how thin they are, and these already-very skinny girls talk about being on diets (as almost everyone is, here) or needing to diet... it's frustrating. And, though I don't want to be, I'm envious. 
• I even hear what guys have to say about girls and what types they like (and yes, I've heard them talk about skinniness being a factor). And, I feel kind of worthless after that. 

And, all those bolded words up there? They disgust me. But they're true, and I hate it so very much. 

I know that I shouldn't be thinking this way. But, no matter how many times I tell myself it is wrong, I do anyways. 

It's so very easy to look at all the girls around me, and feel horrible about myself. And in Japan, you can't get away from it. In American, I am also one of those people who always thinks I need to be thinner, but it's never been this extreme before. Even while I knew all about this before coming here, and tried to prepare myself, I find myself unable to resist this feeling of being completely and utterly...

Unpretty.

Which, is the weirdest thing, because I've never been told more in my life how "pretty" I am.

• My friends say it - in a very frank way, and actually quite often, which just doesn't happen so much in America
• My host family literally comments on how I'm so pretty to people that they introduce me to, and the times that they don't, the other person will bring it up on their own
• Complete strangers will say things to me: how I have a "pretty face," or something similar
• And most confusing of all: I get informed that other people say that about me (meaning, when I'm not there, they talk about me like that) 

I KNOW don't fit the "ideal" that the Japanese like. And, so I don't understand - is it just that everyone says nice things but don't really think them? Like, are they lying to make me feel good or something? That, I feel like I can believe, just because people here are so nice. But, what about the people that don't say that directly to me - clearly, they aren't just trying to make me feel better. So they must think it's true?

I am so confused.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I have found a song that addresses this issue. It is a mashup of two songs, so goes back and forth, back and forth - tryyyyying to feel pretty, but going back to not being able to. And, it is something that I feel I understand too well (aside from the one opposite line about being "too skinny," hah ><), right now.

I actually discovered this song during the first month of arriving here. And, it really resonated with me. I am a person who will listen to things on repeat when they like them, and totally make use of youtuberepeat.com with some of my favorite songs.

But, I have never listened to the same song so many times in my life.
This song will literally stay playing for hours at a time.
But, I can't say I agree with the lyrics, as the last word, "unpretty," is still the only one I can understand.

I feel like, this is the huge thing about Japan that I can say I don't like.
Because, I hate the fact that the way I look at myself has changed for the worse.
And, I don't know how to fix it. 

When I am Weak, He is Strong

Today I was feeling rather useless... Like, is there really a purpose I am here? Yes, I'm having fun, I learning Japanese, hanging with awesome people, and working hard in school. But, I feel like I need to be doing more, more things that truly matter. And, was actually thinking about this for a good half an hour while walking today.

I mean, I have worked so hard to try get back to Japan, but if that does happen, is this really where I am supposed to be? I considered this for a long time. Because, I just don't know what kind of eternal impact I am leaving here, and sometimes I wonder whether it is worth anything.

But of course, it's then - at my most worthless state - that God goes and completely blows my mind.

When I am weak, He is strong (and thus, I am too), and can use me to do things I never could on my own.

Amazing thing, is I read this passage just last night (just a slightly different version):

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Did I think much of it then? I mean, yeah, it's always good to know, but it wasn't anything special.

But now? I am in complete awe at the perfect timing.

Coincidence? 

Not a chance. And, it never is.

(Which, I actually explained to a friend tonight, and didn't even realize it had just happened to me in this way until I came home!)

And so, tonight, I rejoice in my weakness, for I was used by my Heavenly Father. And I can't think of a single thing that is better than that. ♥

Why I went back to America so I could try to come back to Japan

So, as you all know if you follow me on facebook, I had a very difficult decision to make recently. But, I never did really explain what it was to everyone, other than saying it was a scholarship.

Basically, I am attempting to return to Japan. I have realized that 4 months here is much too short for me to understand the culture in the way I want to, to gain a grasp of the language that I want to, and to spend time with the amazing people I have met here and don't want to leave. 

So, I spent a week furiously working on the Monbukagakusho Scholarship application. This is offered by the  Japanese government, and is for foreign students to study abroad in Japan. I am applying for the Research Student Scholarship (which will become Master's study after passing the university's entrance exam), which includes the following: a monthly stipend, airfare to and from Japan, and exemption of school fees for entrance examination, matriculation and tuition.

Basically guys, Master's is expensive. And study in Japan is expensive. And, so, without this scholarship, I will definitely not be coming back here for this. 

I turned in my application on Wednesday the 13th. And, I found out the next week Friday that I passed the first screening, and made it to the test and interview round. 

Which, would have to take place in Seattle. The following week.

It was a ridiculously hard decision to make. Should I really spend $1,600+ USD (over 130,000円) and miss an entire week of school (leaving my groupmates to present without me, and another friend to do most of the work on a project we had together) all for just a "chance" at getting a scholarship? After all, I could potentially fail my Japanese/English exams the first day, and not even move onto the interview portion. 

It was hard. Very hard. But, I ended up back in Seattle the next week. 

(Just some of my application and interview preparations ^^)

The way I see it... 

I have been praying a lot about this. I did my very best with my application. I had enlisted the help of my friends (with advice) and family (with both advice and putting together and turning in the paperwork for me since I wasn't able to myself). And, if God got me this far, maybe this is something that He wants for me. And, maybe this is something I could possible get - and 3 years of my life could potentially become so completely different than I had ever imagined. 

And, if I just left it here... I would never know. Even if I do not get chosen, I will know I have tried my hardest, instead of forever wondering what might have happened had I given it my all. 

And so, here I am. It feels unreal that I left Japan, went home, and came back in such a short amount of time. It felt unbelievable the entire time I was there too. And while the time I had was super short, I got EVERYTHING I needed done (including some medical tests and forms that still needed to be filled out and turned in, which had been hard to do in Japan). The tests and interview also went well. I feel like I did my best all the way through, and couldn't have done anything different.

Whatever the outcome, I have no regrets. The chance itself was enough. It will be a hard wait for the results, but with all the support I've received, I think that just the knowledge that so many people are behind me in all my life-efforts is enough to make everything I did worth it. Once again, I love you all. ♥