Let's try for a Fresh Start!

I know. I'm a terrible, horrible blogger. :(

I meant on posting things all the time in Japan. And I totally had a list on my wall with all the interesting cultural topics I wanted to talk about! Thins like....

The interesting dichotomy of old and new in Japan!

The differences in what was acceptable and not acceptable to talk about!

The things that strangers said to me when I opened my door that absolutely shocked me! (lol)

How amazing a time I was having!! :D

But... I got busy. With having an amazing time. lol

Anyways, I'm back in the States. Obviously. Though, I wish I were still there. Also obviously. ^^

But.... I am also loving being home. Of course, I do want to go back and visit Japan (study/work would be awesome too! ;) ), but I know that my home will always be America, with my amazing family and friends. :)

ANYWAYS! But, I miss blogging. I always have wanted one (as I have said before) and even constantly write blog posts in my head! Instead... my facebook ends up being filled with super long posts because they are almost blog-ish. So then I think that most of my friends don't even read what I post, haha!

Maybe if I keep an actual blog, and separate that from my facebook (which I am trying to not use as much!), I will leave my blog separate for anyone who is bored and wants to read it, and stop spamming my friends with long paragraphs of posts! Maybe. We will see. :)

But that's the plan. And as I'm coming up on almost one year from the time I started this blog, I guess it's appropriate for a new start.

Hoping that this will be a conglomeration of my thoughts/random observations, memories from the past (yeah, be ready for anything from Japan to last week to 15 years ago), hopes for the future - anything. This is going to be me. Because.... Really (for better or for worse), that's the only thing I can ever do, I think. :)

So.... let's see what happens with this! ^^ (considering that I'm procrastinating finishing a school project by writing this - something I've been meaning to write for months now - doesn't seem promising, BUT LET'S TRY ANYWAYS! ^^v )

♥ Ashley :)

Culture Shock #4 - I Feel Pretty/Unpretty

When I get asked if I have any problems with living in Japan, I usually reply that there aren't many.

But, the truth is that the one big problem living in Japan has caused for me is simply usually too difficult and deep to explain. 

(By the way, I've even been planning this post in my head for a long time now, 
but I still am having difficulties writing it in the way I want. But, I'll try my best.)

Basically, my problem is this: I find it very hard being a girl here in Japan. And, I absolutely hate the fact that this is happening, but no matter how hard I try to not be, I feel like I'm more self-conscious than I ever have been in my life. 

Japan is a very different country from America. Yes, in America we have ideals: everyone wants to be thin. But, we aren't all able to do that (or, at least more people are not). And, the "normal" size is something I'm at least kind of close to, I feel like.

Not so, in Japan. The majority of Japanese (Asian, in general) girls, first of all, have the body type that can be thin (as in, no matter how much I dieted/worked out/whatever, I could never get that thin). Second, the "ideal beauty" is so much thinner, and I feel like the pressure is much greater as well.

I feel this difference every single day.

• When I try on clothes, and not even the "Large" fits me, it is frustrating. 
• When I see the uber-pretty girls with their long thin legs, tiny waists, and just general thinness... Yeah, I'm jealous.
• When my friends do things like complementing each other on how thin they are, and these already-very skinny girls talk about being on diets (as almost everyone is, here) or needing to diet... it's frustrating. And, though I don't want to be, I'm envious. 
• I even hear what guys have to say about girls and what types they like (and yes, I've heard them talk about skinniness being a factor). And, I feel kind of worthless after that. 

And, all those bolded words up there? They disgust me. But they're true, and I hate it so very much. 

I know that I shouldn't be thinking this way. But, no matter how many times I tell myself it is wrong, I do anyways. 

It's so very easy to look at all the girls around me, and feel horrible about myself. And in Japan, you can't get away from it. In American, I am also one of those people who always thinks I need to be thinner, but it's never been this extreme before. Even while I knew all about this before coming here, and tried to prepare myself, I find myself unable to resist this feeling of being completely and utterly...

Unpretty.

Which, is the weirdest thing, because I've never been told more in my life how "pretty" I am.

• My friends say it - in a very frank way, and actually quite often, which just doesn't happen so much in America
• My host family literally comments on how I'm so pretty to people that they introduce me to, and the times that they don't, the other person will bring it up on their own
• Complete strangers will say things to me: how I have a "pretty face," or something similar
• And most confusing of all: I get informed that other people say that about me (meaning, when I'm not there, they talk about me like that) 

I KNOW don't fit the "ideal" that the Japanese like. And, so I don't understand - is it just that everyone says nice things but don't really think them? Like, are they lying to make me feel good or something? That, I feel like I can believe, just because people here are so nice. But, what about the people that don't say that directly to me - clearly, they aren't just trying to make me feel better. So they must think it's true?

I am so confused.

And yet, it doesn't make me feel any better about myself.

I have found a song that addresses this issue. It is a mashup of two songs, so goes back and forth, back and forth - tryyyyying to feel pretty, but going back to not being able to. And, it is something that I feel I understand too well (aside from the one opposite line about being "too skinny," hah ><), right now.

I actually discovered this song during the first month of arriving here. And, it really resonated with me. I am a person who will listen to things on repeat when they like them, and totally make use of youtuberepeat.com with some of my favorite songs.

But, I have never listened to the same song so many times in my life.
This song will literally stay playing for hours at a time.
But, I can't say I agree with the lyrics, as the last word, "unpretty," is still the only one I can understand.

I feel like, this is the huge thing about Japan that I can say I don't like.
Because, I hate the fact that the way I look at myself has changed for the worse.
And, I don't know how to fix it. 

When I am Weak, He is Strong

Today I was feeling rather useless... Like, is there really a purpose I am here? Yes, I'm having fun, I learning Japanese, hanging with awesome people, and working hard in school. But, I feel like I need to be doing more, more things that truly matter. And, was actually thinking about this for a good half an hour while walking today.

I mean, I have worked so hard to try get back to Japan, but if that does happen, is this really where I am supposed to be? I considered this for a long time. Because, I just don't know what kind of eternal impact I am leaving here, and sometimes I wonder whether it is worth anything.

But of course, it's then - at my most worthless state - that God goes and completely blows my mind.

When I am weak, He is strong (and thus, I am too), and can use me to do things I never could on my own.

Amazing thing, is I read this passage just last night (just a slightly different version):

"But He said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ’s sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

Did I think much of it then? I mean, yeah, it's always good to know, but it wasn't anything special.

But now? I am in complete awe at the perfect timing.

Coincidence? 

Not a chance. And, it never is.

(Which, I actually explained to a friend tonight, and didn't even realize it had just happened to me in this way until I came home!)

And so, tonight, I rejoice in my weakness, for I was used by my Heavenly Father. And I can't think of a single thing that is better than that. ♥

Why I went back to America so I could try to come back to Japan

So, as you all know if you follow me on facebook, I had a very difficult decision to make recently. But, I never did really explain what it was to everyone, other than saying it was a scholarship.

Basically, I am attempting to return to Japan. I have realized that 4 months here is much too short for me to understand the culture in the way I want to, to gain a grasp of the language that I want to, and to spend time with the amazing people I have met here and don't want to leave. 

So, I spent a week furiously working on the Monbukagakusho Scholarship application. This is offered by the  Japanese government, and is for foreign students to study abroad in Japan. I am applying for the Research Student Scholarship (which will become Master's study after passing the university's entrance exam), which includes the following: a monthly stipend, airfare to and from Japan, and exemption of school fees for entrance examination, matriculation and tuition.

Basically guys, Master's is expensive. And study in Japan is expensive. And, so, without this scholarship, I will definitely not be coming back here for this. 

I turned in my application on Wednesday the 13th. And, I found out the next week Friday that I passed the first screening, and made it to the test and interview round. 

Which, would have to take place in Seattle. The following week.

It was a ridiculously hard decision to make. Should I really spend $1,600+ USD (over 130,000円) and miss an entire week of school (leaving my groupmates to present without me, and another friend to do most of the work on a project we had together) all for just a "chance" at getting a scholarship? After all, I could potentially fail my Japanese/English exams the first day, and not even move onto the interview portion. 

It was hard. Very hard. But, I ended up back in Seattle the next week. 

(Just some of my application and interview preparations ^^)

The way I see it... 

I have been praying a lot about this. I did my very best with my application. I had enlisted the help of my friends (with advice) and family (with both advice and putting together and turning in the paperwork for me since I wasn't able to myself). And, if God got me this far, maybe this is something that He wants for me. And, maybe this is something I could possible get - and 3 years of my life could potentially become so completely different than I had ever imagined. 

And, if I just left it here... I would never know. Even if I do not get chosen, I will know I have tried my hardest, instead of forever wondering what might have happened had I given it my all. 

And so, here I am. It feels unreal that I left Japan, went home, and came back in such a short amount of time. It felt unbelievable the entire time I was there too. And while the time I had was super short, I got EVERYTHING I needed done (including some medical tests and forms that still needed to be filled out and turned in, which had been hard to do in Japan). The tests and interview also went well. I feel like I did my best all the way through, and couldn't have done anything different.

Whatever the outcome, I have no regrets. The chance itself was enough. It will be a hard wait for the results, but with all the support I've received, I think that just the knowledge that so many people are behind me in all my life-efforts is enough to make everything I did worth it. Once again, I love you all. ♥

The Time I Karaoke-ed with Strangers ;)

Haha, this title makes me laugh - as it did when I thought it up while walking home. x)

I'll try to keep this short(er), unlike my other mile-long post that no one can read. lol

I was supposed to meet my friend Sachi and our other friend (who didn't show - lol), and some of her ESS (English Speaking Students) friends. After a lot of waiting, running around hither and thither to gather other people (and crashing an ESS party xD), we headed down to Karaoke at Rokkomichi!

It was funny, because it ended up being just Sachi, me, and 4 other of her friends from ESS. And, then just about (or even less than!) half-way through our 2 hours, Sachi had to leave! So... I was singing Karaoke. In a little room. With 4 Japanese "strangers" (just meaning, I'd never met them before like an hour ago!)

Hehe, these are the kinds of nights that I could never ever plan out. Would never guess would happen. And, they are exactly what make life interesting. And how blessed am I that they seem to happen each week, if not more often here!?! ♥

Anyhow, it was like めっちゃ恥ずかしいいいいいい～ (majorly embarrassing), but I did my best to sing Japanese songs. And managed that decently well - I just realized, I only sang two English songs?! Wow. Even I'm shocked. :P And, tried to understand what was being said around me. Which, wasn't everything of course, but mostly! ^^ And, it was just super fun. Because they were ESS students, they also had a decent grasp of English, and I was SUPER impressed by their English singing-ability!!! So awesome. :))) 

(Btw, this way of Karaoke-ing was different than I've experienced before. Everyone took their turn, and it wasn't like everyone pick whatever song they want whenever they want, and we all sing along, like I'm used to. It was interesting! And also felt like there was more pressure - LOL. I think at the start, my voice was not super steady... ^^;; )

Anyhow, I ended up spending my night with these four:

To-to: Got to talk with her a bit before about the ESS drama section, and we sang California Girls together - fun stuff! x) Unfortunately, didn't know any of the other English singers she knew - I need to brush up on my English music too, apparently! ^^;;

Atsuko: Her voice is SUPER cutesy, and all her songs sounded absolutely perfect to me. ^^ Super Japanese-poi, I think! :)

Yuki: Sang some heavy metal songs in English, and I probably couldn't have done them - lol! Very impressed, because I get stressed out by even slow Japanese songs, and I definitely couldn't try almost screaming them - lols

Toitoi: I'd already listened to 2 hours of his English in the ESS play I went to a month or so ago (he was the main character!), so that was intimidating enough, but he also sings amazingly! Like, super good - probably one of the strongest voices I've heard in a Karaoke room. ^^

Hehe, all in all, it was a super fun night. Though they were being typical way-too-nice Japanese and saying my Japanese pronunciation was good (and even praising my English pronunciation - LOL, sorry, that's not needed, guys xD). 

And then... I spent like 2 hours after coming home typing my status in Japanese and messages to these new friends in Japanese (DUDE, this takes sooooo long for me >.<), and also typing up this post. When I need to pack/do homework/do a million other things instead. Oh well. x)

In conclusion... Karaoke-ing with strangers? Never, ever, ever, EVER would happen in the US. I'd most definitely leave with my friend when she had to leave, if I'd even go in the first place. But here?... It just feels okay. And, for some reason, because they are the awesome Japanese that they are, it is, and I end up with karaoke-ing with new friends instead. ^^♥

When Pictures Are Not Needed

The title is a shocker, right? With me and my 4,000+ pictures since coming to Japan (and much of this has already been sorted through and bad ones have been deleted!!) only 2 and a half months ago... Well, the girl who always lugs her massive DSLR camera about in her purse wherever she goes saying "pictures aren't needed" just doesn't seem to fit.

But, I am. And, today helped me (to my surprise) realize that.

I have Japanese friends who take the same business classes as me (lots, actually! x) ), but it is actually quite often to just hang out with them at any random time. Because of their part-time jobs and crazy class loads (my one friend is taking FIFTEEN classes.... o.o), we usually schedule things in advance. So, today's shopping trip was scheduled awhile ago, and I was so excited to get to hang with my friends. ^^

We were to go on a clothes-shopping adventure. And, it was an adventure indeed! We started at Sannomiya at 6, and basically walked all over - Ikuta Road area, toward Motomachi, down toward the Harbor, and then back up to Sannomiya and more shopping below the station, where we ended 3 hours later - at 9pm, when the stores closed! (I wish I could show a map, hahaha)

My adventure was with 3 ladies that (I just realized!) I had the pleasure of meeting from my very first school day of the semester, and who have also all become group-mates of mine in various classes.

Shiwori: This girl is so cute, you want to just give her a hug every time she smiles. I kid you not! ^^ I have restrained myself thus far, but it's been hard. x) I haven't worked with her for very much yet - our group (with Sachi, in our business and debate case study class) was just formed last week - but when we found out we were to be group members, she was was so cute and said she was 「めっちゃ嬉しい！」(truly happy) and made me feel all warm and fuzzy inside. ^-^

Yumi: She is my business law group, and is the reason I'm in their group. She was adorable during our very first class, and when we were to form groups, she asked me to join them. I couldn't be happier that she did. :) I've been able to watch her in an English play her drama team did, and we have the same little habit (though hers is much less frequent, of course - lol) of pulling out a book and writing down new phrases or words in it. ^^

Sachi: She is in the same group that I'm in with Yumi, another business class, and a TA in our business debate and case class. However, she is now part of my team in that class, and I'm very happy. ^^ Starting after a random night where we were able to get dinner together early on in the semester where we really connected, she has been the one who has organized dinners and days for us to meet up. She's just the sweetest thing, and I count myself a lucky girl indeed that somehow she decided that we should do many things together, and is actually making sure that happens - no matter how busy she is. Also, she pushes me so much in my Japanese, and I feel like every single time I spend time with her, I can tangibly feel a change in me for the better. :)

Anyways, I had the pleasure of spending my evening with these three. And, it was so much fun.
Yet... I have not a single photo (from when we were all together) to mark the night.
This... is a bit distressing to me, of course. Being the picture-fanatic that I am, of course I want pictures!
But, I had my camera with me the entire time. And, I was constantly thinking "I want to take a picture of that" and had the urge to grab my camera out of my bag many, many times.

Yet, I never did. What happened?

Well, this is what happened:

• We laughed over super funny Japanese-English everywhere
• I kept track of all the new words I was learning
• I got told by a super fast-talking and very "Kansai"-ish shop 店員 (clerk) that if we got married, we he could move to Hawaii to be with me (hilarious story, if you can't tell already xD)
• We talked about our futures
• We explored vintage clothing shops and I saw a side of the more "local" shopping that I definitely haven't seen even though I've been here over 2 months
• I was complimented on my Japanese improving majorly since I first came - and they would know, seeing as they all saw me when I was really here for only one week (which, while I am aware that it is not nearly as good as they make it out to be, does make me feel good that my work is paying off)
• We talked about boys! x) Yes, Kobe business school boys - I now know which of you are かっこいい and 持てるそう and such. Muahaha! ;) 
• I worked really hard to concentrate and understand what was being said
• They had fun laughing at my reactions to Japanese fashion, and confession that I simply don't understand it
• I had an awesome conversation about my beliefs on relationships (in Japanese, which I consider a huge accomplishment because I also feel that I expressed and got across exactly what I feel, which is so very important to me)
• We looked for a Japanesey-outfit for me (successfully - yay! ^^)
• We surprised another 店員 when Sachi and I switched to English, and she couldn't get over how amazing Sachi was at English. x) 

And, we just were 4 friends, shopping.♥ No camera brought extra attention. No camera (blatantly, anyways) gave away the fact that I wasn't Japanese-from-Japan (I think this was also a little harder to see today than normal, maybe because my outfit was a lot more Japanese-mitai than usual ^^). No camera made people stop what they were doing to pose, no camera changed the mood to "oh, I'm having my picture taken". And, no camera distracted me from the moment, or the natural-ness of it all. 

It was... amazing. And, while yes, I might wish I had a few pictures in there to increase my happiness of this night, I also am completely satisfied.

Because, I had an amazing night. Made amazing memories. And, while a picture might be worth a thousand words? Well, I already have written much more than that much here (lol, typical Ashley-fashion). And, this will help me remember the perfect memory I have of tonight: uncluttered and the most natural experience in the world - shopping with my Japanese friends in Japan, speaking in Japanese, and just "being" Japanese. 

And, we'll totally hang out again and take a million pictures then, of course. Hahaha. x) But, as the photo-crazy girl that I am, I am very grateful for this very important lesson I've learned. 

Sometimes, pictures aren't needed for memories. Being fully and utterly in the moment can eclipse anything a camera could try to capture. 

My Host Family♥

Today, as a sort-of last-minute surprise, I met the rest of my Host Family!♥

So, as a little bit of background, I applied for a Host Family for the rest of my time here, but this is a bit different than a Homestay. Homestays are where you stay with the family, but this is more like a "Home visit" program, where I just get to meet up with my family and do various things with them. So, I get a glimpse into a Japanese way of life, and also get to have a sort of "family" for while I'm here! :)

Anyways, so this past Monday I met the most adorable おばあちゃん  (grandmother), and she had given me some pictures of the rest of her family that wasn't able to meet up that day. Also, I gave her some gifts from Hawaii, and she was so surprised and thankful, she actually gave me a hug!! This was shocking for me, since I've come to see that Japanese tend to not do that. But, it was so awesome, and a very good sign that I got placed with the perfect family. :)

I had thought I would only get to meet the rest of them next week Friday, but thanks to a couple emails exchanged with the mother (Ayako), we found today worked and I was invited to have dinner with them!!

I actually traveled outside of Kobe to meet them. Which, was a bit far (it takes me 25 minutes to walk to the station, and then was a bit over 30 minutes to get to Akashi), but it was cool to be able to finally have gotten outside of Kobe, in the Western direction!!

As I exited the ticket barrier, I saw my obaachan and one of her grandsons - and was greeted by another hug!! ^^ Anyways, they have two boys - ages 11 (Atsushi) and 14 (Satoshi), and they were both super excited to meet me. The older one was cute and would use a bit of English with me (he greeted me with "Nice to meet you", though was super shy ^^), while the younger one is like a ball of energy and actually greeted me by running up, coming to a stop by jumping, and shouting "ASHURI-SAN!" xD

Then, we had a lovely Japanese-style pasta meal, walked to look at the Akashi Temple, and bought yummy cake to bring back to their house, which is in Maiko (also a bit far from my home, but this will all be WORTH IT ^^). 

和風 (Japanese-style flavor) YUMMMMM~

CUTE, RIGHT?!?! Hehe, Atsushi looks a bit like a deer-in-the-headlights in the pic, unfortunately, but he's adorable (and super crazy, lol), trust me. x) 

I got to play piano at their house, which is so cute!!! Also, the mother is a piano teacher, and wants for me to learn a duet so we can play together! I don't know how well I'll be able to do that (dang it, I wish I had kept up my playing right now... T^T), but I'll try my best! ><b

Then, we had cake and tea together, and watched some of their home-videos (like of an Aladdin アラジン play Satoshi had been in, and a sports day event Atsushi had been in just earlier that day!), and looked through some photos from a trip the grandmother had taken to Nepal a couple years ago.

And, we just talked, which was so exciting. They had been worried about how they were going to be able to talk with me (which is silly, because the mother's English is actually quite good!), but were super happy that I could converse with them! I'm sure I sound silly (which is kinda embarrassing, with the little boys and their  Japanese being so much better than mine, lol), but they keep saying I'm so good (ohhh, such typical nice Japanese people... ^^).

I stayed with them quiteeee late! They drove me to the station (OMG, I GOT TO BE IN A CAR AGAIN! IT HAS BEEN SO LONG! lol), and gave my an umbrella just in case it might rain (not needed, but they insisted ^^). And, the grandmother even walked me up to the station and, against my wishes, bought my train ticket home.

Totally amazing kindness. The entire night.
And, they were so welcoming, I feel like I'm already part of their family. This is just AMAZING. ♥

So excited for my remaining time with them. I'm sure I'll be posting a lot about my Japanese family-experiences in the future. :)